A Lost Appreciation
by Anime Psychologist
Summary: One shot Spoilers One week after the White Invasion. A faint of heart Soul Reaper decides to move on from the Soul Society. But before he leaves, he must first express his feelings he had to another. Will he be able to express these feelings or will he let fear and despair drive him into uncertainty? Read on. *This will be my only fanfic of Bleach.*


At first I didn't want to post this story because it sounded so weird but then I'm like "F*** it, I'm just going to do it and get it out of my head."

I had this thought in my head for a while now. It only took me two days to actually come up with it, write it down, polish it up and submit it. But, I'm glad this is all over because now I can finally put this behind me.

I don't know when I'll be writing again. I just wanted to put this out there.

Anyways, enjoy.

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**A Lost Appreciation**

Today was the day.

All the paperwork done. My final farewell to my comrades and a written resignation addressed to my captain. I could not face him in person. I did not nor will I ever have the courage to do that. Not that he would know me at all anyways. He had a lot of men under his command. He could not be bothered with an insignificant person like me.

With no other soul seeing me off, I took a deep breath and took in the winter breeze. Bitter and cold but settling. For only a moment, I stood there to collect my thoughts before I started to walk again.

As I walked through the alleys and roads, there were a handful of other souls from other squads. Most of them were exhausted either physically and/or emotionally. It was a trial for us all.

It had only been two weeks since the end of the Hollow Crisis. The Seireitei Communications coined it the "White Invasion" as all the major figures, both good and evil, wore white on that day. Although we received word that we had won the day, under the guise of cheers and celebration, we were all griped with fear and uncertainly.

Furthermore, the major specifics were left out and only rumors spread throughout the barracks. I did not know what to believe but it had always been my philosophy to leave these intricate details to my betters. "See no evil, speak no evil," as the saying goes. Whether or not the official word was covering a conspiracy or actually was the truth remains to be seen.

It mattered not anyways. Soon, I would be an ex-soul reaper. Once I thought that the Soul Society was a place for me to discover myself. All that time in the academy, with my comrades and when I finally was assigned to a squad, I thought I found a place in this world. However, fear soon overwhelmed me. The countless dead, to push all of your personal feelings aside for the sake of ambition and pride and the thought of facing those whom you swore to protect when you have failed was too much. It was all too much.

So I left. I left without so much of a word about the matter. I did not talk to anyone about anything. The members of my squad were not friends or family; rather good acquaintances. There was no one I had an emotional attachment to. No one…but her.

My fear of rejection hindered my actions to start a friendship with her. So, she never knew who I was. I only heard about her through rumors flying around the barracks. A brave and kind girl who would do whatever it took to fulfill her duty. I wanted to meet her; to have her share her experience on how to cope with loneliness and despair. But, I did not act upon meeting her. My biggest mistake was being inactive when she extended her friendship. But now that I'm leaving, I was determined to rectify this mistake.

I had nothing to lose.

It was early in the morning. It was so early that the sun had still yet to show her face. It seemed that the Medical Corp deployed more than enough people. So many were injured however they all made their recoveries. All, except for that one.

I made my way to the front desk. There was a lone nurse working there. Her pink uniform gave it away. She was focused on the magazine before her; an old copy of the Seireitei Communications. No doubt that she had dug it up sometime during her shift and now have found some time to read it. As I move towards the desk, her eyes became fixated on me.

"May I help you," asked the young brunette girl. Her face read weariness and her voice sounded just the same.

"I'm here to see someone."

She looked out the window. "Either it's very late or very early. Since it will be daybreak soon." She took a pen and a piece of paper filled with prior names, dates and reasons for visitation.

"Although visitation hours don't start until 8 o'clock, something tells me you're not here to stir up any trouble. Besides, we only have **one **patient here."

I filled up the form and handed it back to her. She got up from her seat and motioned me to follow her.

"You'll have to be mindful of the time, however," the nurse said as we walked through the long lit hallway. "People from the R&D department will want to have her back by sunrise. She was here only for observation and to see if any of their efforts would have caused any other internal complications. They're not really healers, you know."

"She had it rough," she said looking down. "To be able to survive barely like that. Even worse, to be struck down like that. I'm at a loss for words."

"I won't be long."

"That's reassuring."

As the nurse showed me the room, I thanked her and I let myself in.

Darkness. Darkness is all what greeted me in that hospital room. Both the darkness and the stillness of all things made the atmosphere all too unfamiliar to me. I walked slowly. My heart started to race. I don't know why. I was dreading this but I knew it had to be done. _"You gotten this far. There's no turning back now."_

Only the sound of the respirator and medical beeps are the only things I heard. I found a chair and positioned it beside her bedside. She was, of course, in a coma so there was no welcome. She only lay there; oblivious to the world around her. Cords sticking to different machines, regulators and other medical instruments. Indeed, her condition was severe, but stable.

I took a deep breath. In a moment, I would spill all of my thoughts to her. However, she would never know. Again, the sense of dread befell me. What was the point in all of this? How would this benefit me? As I pondered these things, I knew in my heart that these questions were irrelevant to me. I have come to pay my respects and regardless of whether or not she hears them I know I had to speak these words myself in order to validate that these feelings were nothing more than that…respect.

"I doubt that you would know me," I started slowly. "I thought to keep these feelings to myself. I thought about just leaving without saying any words to you. But then I realized that it would be selfish if I didn't say anything. No doubt you deserve to hear what I have to say."

I could not believe I was saying this. Months earlier I would not imagine myself saying such praise. But I felt that I had one chance at this and I would take it. I would be leaving anyways, barred from the court and would never have a chance like this again.

"I….I have always admired you. For your unwillingness to give up…and your spirit of benevolence. Your spirit is like a diamond in the rough. It is special because you don't see much of these traits in this Soul Society.

…You stay loyal to your comrades. You play consul to your friends. You help everyone, great or small and you are no doubt proud of your duty. No matter the risk, you embrace the danger and you do what you can in order to succeed in your goals.

These past few months have been challenging to us all. We have all felt pain and despair. But no one could ever imagine the pain you have been feeling. It…must have been…unbearable."

Everyone could have sensed it. The sadness of this girl was great indeed. No matter her despair, she always seemed to cover it up with an upbeat attitude and a smile.

"And I…I…pitied you with all of my being. Yet, you stayed optimistic that things will work out. You have…truly earned the title of a benevolent soul. You have many you call friends…my only regret during my time here was not being able to be one."

I had let my cowardice and fears get the better of me. There were so many opportunities to introduce myself and make myself known. But I decided to play it safe. I hated myself for my supposed weakness. My heart pounding in my chest, as if it was telling me to stop. But I forced myself to go on.

"And now…here you are again. In a bed…fighting for your life. Life has certainly dealt you such an abysmal hand. Yet you persevere. So I guess, after all of this time, you still want to live life the way you want to."

I saw the sun rose from the window. Soon, another day would start in the Soul Society. People will be training, sleeping, eating and preparing for their next battles. Either being physical, emotional, or mental, they will be able to bring meaning into their lives. And here she will be again, to fight for the right to live.

I took it as my cue to leave. There was one more thing; however, I wanted to say.

I put my hand on hers and held it. I looked unto her sleeping face.

"Like it or not, you are a leader. There will be people who will crave for your courage, talents and guidance." As I said these words, my eyes swelled up with tears and a few dropped down unto the floor.

"You must not leave them."

I took one good look at her before I got up. I regained my composure and felt as if a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. Never again would I have to think about what could have been because just knowing I said these words to her is more than enough for me to leave without any regrets.

As I left, I turned to see her lying there again.

I could have sworn that I saw a single tear roll down her face.

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A really, really short story. It took me a while to get in the mood (and listening to Dynasty Warriors 7 - In the end of the fight - Wei really helped me get there. I'm sorry if this sounds weird and I think there might be some loopholes in it. But this is going to be my first and only Bleach fanfic. Well I hope you enjoyed it.


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